Pregnancy series: Part 1 -- Morning sickness

Hello, dear friends and readers!

As an expectant mother, my current reality is pregnancy, so I decided to start writing a series to share some thoughts and personal experiences and (hopefully) offer encouragement to other moms out there.

As unpopular and icky a topic as it might be, I'm going to begin by discussing morning sickness. The associated symptoms hit me relatively hard, and this part of my pregnancy had physical, emotional, and mental manifestations.

I never really imagined struggling with morning sickness before we found out about the pregnancy. In my mind's eye, I saw myself in a "dream pregnancy" state, perpetually rosy and glowing. I pictured the stereotypical "cute pregnant lady" -- and I'm sure you know exactly who I mean. She is poised, lovely in every way, impeccably stylish, and always beaming with magical "motherliness" -- whatever that's supposed to mean. I thought I would be transformed instantaneously into this mythical, ideal woman. It would happen overnight, as soon as the pregnancy fairy tapped me on the head, and my husband's and my life would be changed forever.

Obviously, this dream did NOT become a reality. Instead, I hit three crazy stages in quick succession -- two involving my mind and emotions and the third seeming to take total control over my body.

First, I panicked. And I mean, hardcore. My anxiety shot through the roof as I thought about the ridiculously high level of responsibility that would accompany having a child. I remember exactly where I was standing in the kitchen when it hit me, this feeling of being caged in by my fears, as I tearfully asked my husband, "What if I mess it up?" I didn't want to be the one responsible for ruining this kid's life.

Fortunately, this initial stage transitioned quickly into the second phase: insanely giddy excitement! Upon discovering that we were pregnant, Kris (my husband) and I immediately told all the family we could think of. We were so thrilled to spread the joy around! This decision is different for everyone, of course. Some couples wait until the beginning of the second trimester to share the news, when the baby is more developed and there is a much lower risk for miscarriage. But for us, it felt really good and completely right to include our closest loved ones in the news as soon as possible.

The third stage -- and my least favorite, by far -- was the physical onset of morning sickness. At first, I just felt vaguely nauseous. Then, little by little (around the sixth or seventh week, as best as I can remember), the vomiting began.

I know -- this is going to get totally TMI! And I would apologize, but it's probably a good time in this post for one of those "sorry not sorry" moments.

Morning sickness symptoms, and specifically the overwhelming nausea and vomiting, affect many, many women during pregnancy. I was fortunate enough to never experience hyperemesis gravidarum, which (as far as I can understand it) often involves nearly constant sickness, results in dehydration, and makes it necessary for a woman to be hospitalized. Although I was afraid this might happen to me at a couple points, I am very grateful to have been preserved from this particular version of morning sickness.

Now, of course, my experience is unique to my body, and everyone is different. I have several friends with whom I spoke during this time, and they didn't have a single nauseated moment throughout their pregnancies. One friend is a mom of five girls, and during her pregnancies, she saw neither hide nor hair of the dreaded morning sickness beast.

But this was not the case for me. At first, I could handle my symptoms (barely, let's be honest) while I worked. I am a part-time barista, and as you can imagine if you have any familiarity with this work setting, the coffee smells -- often combined with cooking meats and cheeses -- were NOT very helpful when it came to my nausea. After riding on the struggle bus for a few weeks and feeling like a total weakling because I couldn't always finish my shifts, I finally discussed it with my manager. I ended up taking a leave of absence from work for about a month, and during this time, I mostly stayed in bed and tried not to constantly throw up.

I felt so helpless, and I often questioned fundamental aspects of my identity. Was I actually such a weak person that I couldn't conquer this? I have often tried to have a "mind over matter" approach to physical suffering, but when your matter is spewing out of you all the time and making your mind, quite frankly, irrelevant, where does that state of affairs leave you?

I also wondered whether I was being a good wife to my husband. I felt like he had to pick up so much slack for me because of this physical impediment. Ultimately, I think this season helped me see how much he really, truly loves me. On so many occasions, he sacrificed his time and comfort in order to help me and make me feel better. He also knew what I needed WAY more than I did. He encouraged me to eat, even when I got so afraid that I would just throw it all up again. He urged me to go on walks and keep my strength up. Looking back at this time in the pregnancy, I really don't know what I would have done without him. He supported me and was definitely my hero, and he continues to astound and humble me with his love.

So, to put some punctuation on my morning sickness experience, it DID get better! Around the fourteen-week mark, I could feel my body improving. Part of this improvement came from a mild medication my doctor prescribed to tame the symptoms. I am still taking this medication, despite nearing the end of the second trimester as I write this.

Just in case it will help any readers, the medication is called Diclegis, and it is essentially a slow-release form of Vitamin B and Unisom, two over-the-counter options that doctors recommend if you are struggling with morning sickness. I tried the Vitamin B/Unisom combo before switching to Diclegis, and I couldn't keep them down due to their more concentrated nature, but the current medication is so mild, it has worked wonders for me! It can be a little more expensive, and not every insurance company will cover it. If you are in a tough spot with morning sickness, though, you might consider asking your doctor about it.

With that said, I am now feeling the benefits of consistent improvement, and morning sickness has actually helped me let go of some things I used to worry about too much. I know now that physical pain and difficulty accompanying pregnancy will pass. Sometimes, we just need to be patient. I found that my prayer life increased and improved during this time. I couldn't really do anything on my own for a while, so I had to simply trust God to fill in the gaps for me. I had to believe that His love and redemption were not dependent upon my actions or my worthiness. I could no longer define myself purely based on my performance in the day-to-day tasks.

Looking back, I feel an overwhelming gratitude for all the lessons -- both big and small -- that God was teaching me during this season. If you are experiencing morning sickness right now, you have my prayers and my sympathy. I know what you are going through, girlfriend! And I want to reassure you, it's okay to recognize that it really, really sucks. It TOTALLY does! But just do what you can and know that many, many other women have been where you are right now.

Even though sometimes you just need to cry it out, I found that reading my Bible, spending intentional time in prayer, and cultivating even a smidgen of gratitude every day really benefited me during this time. And it helped to keep some hope alive in my heart, even on the most discouraging days. You can do this, because God is with you. He will be your source of strength.

Again, my prayers are for you, and I know you can and will conquer this. As I kept telling myself, "The only way out is through." It will pass.

If this post has been helpful for you, feel free to join me for the next part in the series, where I will discuss my trip through the second trimester, with all its accompanying joys ("Eep! The baby's kicking!") and trials ("I feel like a very unattractive beached whale...").

In the meantime, have you had any personal experience with morning sickness? If so, what helped? What didn't? And how would you encourage other mamas who are going through this period in their pregnancy? I would love to hear your comments and stories, so feel free to reply in the comments section below or on the Facebook page for Mama Smith Writes.

Thank you again for visiting!

Soli Deo Gloria

- Mama Smith

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